pivotal

I had 2 very important competitions coming up that I could focus my energy  on.

Finally a distraction!

One was happening in the next town and the other was happening in a town 6 hours away. They were occurring a few weeks apart and if I performed well in both then I could solidify my reputation as ‘up-and-coming’.

I was up every morning at the crack of dawn, following the surf up and down the coast, I practiced so hard that the ocean began speaking to me. She communicated to me in a language that I instantly understood, as though the thoughts that surfaced in my mind were of her own manifestation.

She guided me to wait for a finer wave, how to gently carve her mighty barrel and where to find better surf. It felt like I didn’t even have to try, like the tension that used to arise from trying to swing around to hard or holding on too tight while balancing had softly melted away and I was free to glide through her essence like a firefly swirling around a night canvas.

I wanted a distraction but I still thought of you for inspiration. Regardless of what the current situation was, I couldn’t deny the fact that you made me feel good. As proud as I was for challenging myself, I held you with such high regard that I hoped you could see me and be proud of me too.

I’d reached a better understanding of accepting the way I felt for you. Focusing on that alone uplifted me and what I felt for you was all that it ever had to be. I was happy that I was happy for you and I was happy with the way I felt about you, if that made me happy then why did it have to be anything more? Why did I have to turn it into some sort of suffering? The answer was that I didn’t and that felt like a pivotal realisation for me.

muse

I remember the first time I heard about you.

‘Hey did you see the local station has hired a new meteorologist? He’s really cute!’

‘Meteorologist… cute? Just as long as he’s telling me how good the offshores are I don’t care what he looks like.’

I grew up in a small costal town where the only thing that changed was the size of the population during the summer season. It was great that everyone wanted to come see how beautiful my home was but it also meant that I had share the ocean.

I struggle with this because overall I think it’s wonderful that people want to enjoy the earth mother’s essence, but there’s something about the solitude and connection you feel with her when you catch that wave and for a brief moment in time you become her muse. There’s something definitely unique about that experience that you just want to keep all to yourself.