inception

I loved the ocean, it was the only place I could go to be by myself and never feel like I was alone, it felt like home to me. The quiet solitude that shimmered off of each ripple of water allowed me to enter a space where I understood that I was the ocean and she was me. I would catch glimpses of this every so often but it was challenging to hold on to.

Sometimes in calm waters I would head out to sea on my surfboard, paddling until the shore was barely visible and when I finally stopped I would just sit there. With my legs dangling on either side of my board, I’d soak in a 360 degree view of an expansive sea.

I wondered what it would be like to be lost at sea.

Would I have the instinct to survive? Would the ocean remain my friend and nurturer or would she relentlessly take until there was nothing left to give? I wondered if my love and respect for her would implode unto itself, blowing itself apart to distances beyond what the eye can grasp turning the very reason I love her into the very reason I could fear her. Could there be such a thing as fear of agoraphobia?

I’d look off to the horizon where the sky met the ocean and wondered what experience felt like at the point of inception. I wondered if there was more to this life then what I had been lead to believe. I romanced the idea of what land looked like on the other side.

I’d lay back on my board and close my eyes and imagine looking down on myself, hovering further and further upwards until I could see myself as a dot in the ocean from the atmosphere. I began to recognise gratitude and sensed that it was all I ever needed.

wavered

I wavered between being happy for you and being hung up on you. This was of course fuelled by the incessant torment I caused myself by watching your broadcasts whenever I had the chance.

It became a game of tug of war that gradually exhausted and wore itself deeply into the sand. When it reached this point it became easier not to pay attention to it but it was still there, I knew it was still there. Every acknowledgement of its existence allowed each side to dig their heels a little further into a rut.

I needed a distraction. There were more competitions coming up that I could focus on but I was starting to evaluate my life from a different perspective. I felt that even though I had a lot going for me, I wasn’t going very far. I was young, energetic and curious. My surroundings were growing stale.

I was growing in a different direction to my friends, I was doing the same thing day in and day out and love interest prospects seemed to only reinforce the notion that if I settled then I would become stuck. It certainly would have been wonderful to meet someone special – someone nice, fun and inspiring but to come across a balanced triad of such characteristics proved to be more difficult than I thought. I found nice or I found fun and I found only one inspiring. Like most girls at that age I was too young and naive to understand that nice will take you a lot further in life. My preference became so specific it was like I was searching for a needle in a haystack. 

I was still enjoying life as much as I could but I felt more and more like I was operating on auto-pilot. I was sensing that I wanted more, I wanted more for me but in a tiny little crevice of my heart I sensed that I wanted more for you. I wanted to be more for you. I wanted to be the kind of person that could care for a heart like yours, that you would want to care for a heart like yours. 

I think around this time I subconsciously decided If I couldn’t have you then I was going to wait for someone like you. Regardless of how long it took.

impose

Maybe I came on too strong somehow?

That is, I wanted to let you know I was there, that I was out there but I didn’t want to impose on you… or did I?

Fancifully, I knew that I wanted to impose myself on you in all the right ways. In raw, passionate ways, but I certainly didn’t have the audacity to impose myself on you with such presumptuousness. And I certainly didn’t want to impose on you in a way that would result in negative consequences.

It was never my desire to have you question my intentions.

Would things be different if I had said something to you at our first encounter?

If only I had been even 2 seconds earlier in trying to catch your attention that night at Gaston’s!

Does it hurt because I came so close? Because we came so close? Why does it even hurt at all?!

Is this just a case of me wanting what I can’t have? Or wanting the attention of someone who holds the attention of so many others?

It feels like more than that. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. But why?

What does it even matter now anyways? You and the universe have given me a clear indication that this is not my path to follow. So, why am I holding on?

You’re probably not even thinking about it.

You probably don’t even know who I am.

your heart

A few days had passed since I watched you walk away and although my heart still felt a bit fragile I tried my best to be resilient.

I was a little confused with myself because up until that point I wasn’t very clear about what I wanted from meeting you. I didn’t have the foresight to think far into the future, I didn’t even have the foresight to think into the next week! I just wanted to meet you and not necessarily question where that would go. I wanted to be open to the experience and proud of myself for initiating it. I would have been incredibly happy with simply having a conversation with you. I also would have been incredibly happy if I incited the same kind of attraction within you for me.

But like a broken glass all of that was gone and what was left were pieces to examine and discard.

Of course somebody had your heart!

That made perfect sense! There were many people that would gratefully take that claim, including me.

I’d taken stock of the course of events and realized that I was more shattered by the fact that I decided to face my fear and all it did was slap me in the face. I didn’t know how to process it but knew in the end that I was happy for you. You deserved someone special and worthy of your love.

If anything it helped to bring some closure and resolve to some of the wanderous ideas I entertained in my head. I have quite an active imagination and can let it run away with me at times. Having this information drew a line in the sand for me.

It also evoked feelings I never had before or maybe I’d just never bothered to explore them. I had such an affinity towards you and instead of feeling sad at the thought of knowing it would never be I actually felt happy, happy for you… and proud of me.

It was the first glimpse I caught of selfless love and that realisation catalysed the unravelling of something that is still in motion to this very day.