something divine

The first big day had arrived. I was  surprisingly relaxed. I felt really good about the day ahead of me and did not have one nervous bone in my body. I was confident but not arrogant.

The sun was shining and the water held glass like reflection with waves peeling like shimmering diamonds. I stood where the tide barely touched my toes and as I looked out to the sun to count the sets coming in I took a deep breath and sensed the ocean’s playfulness, she was enticing me to come dance with her. She reassured me that it was going to be a good day.

I knew there were a few people I had to keep my eye on but I also knew that if I went into this with an open mind and heart then the ocean and universe would not lead me astray. I took priority in the majority of heats but missed out on a couple of the better waves. I manoeuvred the ones I caught with ease, starting off with deep bottom turns and re-entries with lots of spray to catch the judges attention. I caught a few lips and rode a few crests but there was another girl who nailed it and I placed second in ranking.

I was ecstatic for my placement and looked forward to my next competition. People began showing interest and I was introduced to potential sponsors who were now keeping an eye on me. Life was billowing with boundless energy and anticipation. It was the beginning of something special, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, I felt unstoppable and nearly invincible. I sensed I was in alignment with something divine and it was the most rewarding feeling I’ve ever felt.

pivotal

I had 2 very important competitions coming up that I could focus my energy  on.

Finally a distraction!

One was happening in the next town and the other was happening in a town 6 hours away. They were occurring a few weeks apart and if I performed well in both then I could solidify my reputation as ‘up-and-coming’.

I was up every morning at the crack of dawn, following the surf up and down the coast, I practiced so hard that the ocean began speaking to me. She communicated to me in a language that I instantly understood, as though the thoughts that surfaced in my mind were of her own manifestation.

She guided me to wait for a finer wave, how to gently carve her mighty barrel and where to find better surf. It felt like I didn’t even have to try, like the tension that used to arise from trying to swing around to hard or holding on too tight while balancing had softly melted away and I was free to glide through her essence like a firefly swirling around a night canvas.

I wanted a distraction but I still thought of you for inspiration. Regardless of what the current situation was, I couldn’t deny the fact that you made me feel good. As proud as I was for challenging myself, I held you with such high regard that I hoped you could see me and be proud of me too.

I’d reached a better understanding of accepting the way I felt for you. Focusing on that alone uplifted me and what I felt for you was all that it ever had to be. I was happy that I was happy for you and I was happy with the way I felt about you, if that made me happy then why did it have to be anything more? Why did I have to turn it into some sort of suffering? The answer was that I didn’t and that felt like a pivotal realisation for me.

wild world

I heard Wild World by Cat Stevens today and thought of you.

I find myself lost in moments of songs and thinking of you. Thinking of you because they remind me of you and wondering if you think of me too. The feelings that some of these songs evoke are much stronger than one heart simply yearning for another. Sometimes they resonate so strongly with me it feels as though you’ve actually experienced these same feelings while listening to these songs and what I am experiencing is a form of communication transferring from your soul to mine. As though we are communicating to each other in ways we could only hope to when standing face to face.

It helps me to understand separation. Everything has progressively helped me to understand separation, it’s had to, it’s been the most dominant perspective I’ve had to view reality through over the years. I haven’t been alone, mind you, but I have been separated.

I find myself lost in moments of songs and thinking about why it is I even feel separation. Love is limitless. The definitions and boundaries that I understand of love and relationships comes from a lifetime of social, religious and cultural expectations – they are all something I have learned from others’ beliefs and have adopted them as my own. The separation that I feel is based on associations of what I think love should look like and the role it should play in my life based on these conditioned beliefs. When I think of you, I think of love, I feel love, so why does that mean I have to have you physically in my life?

It’s this strong association of separation that has lead me to ponder these questions and it’s a strong attachment to this separation that guides my emotions and reactions. Better Be Home Soon by Crowded House and Every Breath You Take by The Police, among other songs, are what compelled me to see you again. They lit a fire within me that sparked with such intensity that I could no longer bear the separation and allowed myself to be pulled towards you like the tide to a full moon.

Wild World is helping me understand the separation from a perspective I’ve never considered before. From the perspective of letting go. Although fleetingly liberating, it scares the hell out of me.